Permission to be Broken

Yesterday at my youngest son’s 18 month checkup, I heard something that I never thought I would hear….ever.

Here I was worried about him getting shots, I never considered that he could be having other problems.

While doing his checkup, the Nurse Practitioner heard a heart murmur. She called the doctor in and she confirmed that there was indeed a heart murmur.

So, now he has an appointment at a children’s hospital to be seen by a pediatric cardiologist and to say that I am nervous would be an understatement.

I am trying to remain positive. Listening to medical professionals tell me that it is common in children, trying to focus on the good, and not get too worked up because no tests have been done.

But, making statements like “He is okay and will be okay”, that “He will get through it” and all seems scary for me to say. Almost like I am wrong for trying to spread this much positivity and hope. Like I am not taking it serious enough or something. I am not sure, but I don’t feel right about doing it.

Then comes the other part. I wanted to take pictures of this journey of Bowie’s and our family, capturing these moments much like the photo therapy for families of cancer patients. I felt like it would be a good idea, but then doubt crept in.

“Who am I to take something potentially so small and turn it into something so BIG?” There are families struggling with more serious problems than our current situation and here I go turning the attention to our dilemma.

Why do I feel the need to argue with myself, especially during a time like this. Maybe it is okay for me to be upset about this. Maybe it is okay for me to make a big deal and take some pictures for crying out loud. And just maybe….it’s okay for me to be scared and not able to fully say that shit is going to be alright….because, right now it doesn’t feel alright just yet.

So, here is a Bowie moment…him so excited that he got the ball in the box:

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A New Writing Adventure

I have noticed how hard it is for me to just write.

To write about anything and everything, but with no real teaching purpose in site. With no attention to who will read it and what they will think.

To write as if I were journaling. Not that I believe my life is that interesting or anything, but to just allow myself that freedom. No censorship. No end goal. To just write for the sake of writing…..or maybe I should say typing.

Over the years, I have seen a few things that remain consistent in my life. Writing/journaling is a must. From little notes and check lists all the way up to planning major things step by step and jotting down my thoughts and feelings of the day.

Well, here I am, ready to step into this new adventure in writing just for my growth and development. Learning how to be in tough with myself for that very reason…..and learning how to be okay with that.

I need that connection with myself. That ability to just be.

I have tried to maintain this level of importance throughout my entire life. Some roles demand it, while I am beginning to see that it is not necessary in everything that I do. Yes, as a teacher I need to know my shit and teach it. Yes, as a mother and wife, I need to be on top of my game.

But when it comes to me and my “me-time”, I need to learn to just be.

I have all of these hopes, dreams, and goals and here lately I have been exploring them….only to realize that I keep failing at many of them because they are not who I am. Some of them are not even really my goals, they were things that I believed I should be doing or things that just “made sense”.

Slowly reevaluating everything you ever thought you were is hard and takes time. It is painful for me at times. Coming to terms with certain things about myself that I have desperately tried to change. Accepting the things that I had learned to hate.

For example, I am not the girly girl that oozes soft and sweetness with every breath and body movement. I have tried, but it doesn’t match my looks, my actions, or anything else about my energetic movement through life. In fact, I come across as bitchy to many people. A smart ass. A know-it-all.

But, I have also been called incredibly intelligent, a fast thinker, a problem-solver, a healer, a leader, and even a psychic but that was for a whole other reason.

I am not one to hide in the shadows especially on topics that are of extreme importance to me. I have been known to very loudly voice my opinion and stand against the status quo. I hate bullies, but have been known to be one myself…..I do enjoy bullying a bully and I do not apologize for that.

I like to make people think and preferably think outside the box. I like helping people grow and learn. I love to surround myself with positive people that want to make a difference in the world even if it is just in one person’s life. I am quick to dismiss people that offer zero value to the lives around them. Those are not the people that I want in my circle and close to me.

I have been a hypocrite and to this day regret every single time I fulfilled that role. The important thing is that I don’t give up. I don’t give up on myself and trying to achieve more. I want to be a better person, but I can’t keep trying to be a better version of someone that I am not in the first place.

So here is to me, allowing me to introduce myself and get acquainted with who I really am, and growing with her.

 

Within Me I Am

Baked browns, golden yellows, blood reds, and dying greens paint the floor of the earth beneath my feet. The crunching leaves signal that it is time to go. Deep within the body into hibernation, assessing the past year.

From within, I hear the cry….Not yet. I want more time. The demands of the inner child have to be forced into adult contemplation. Freedom comes again in the spring. Now is the time to reflect. Viewing deep into the ocean. Are you happy with how you spent this past year? Did you live? Learn? Grow? Love? Were your days filled with happiness?

Hmmm. Some good. Some bad. I wish I would have given more of myself to the people around me. More involved in work that touches the hearts of others for healing. Myself and them. I wish I would have worried less about…..well, ¬†everything. But, I did learn. Oh, I learned. Not just from my books or ¬†my work. I gained more than just temporary knowledge. I learned about life.

I learned that loving my body cannot be measured by a number on the scale. It only comes with my level of health.

I learned that worrying weakens the body and traps the mind. Trap the worry instead with courage and a spirit unwilling to lay down.

I learned that we need each other. Life doesn’t exist without other people. Friendship. Love. Communication and community. Warm embraces. We can only grow and thrive when we build that safe community of friends and families in our lives. Learn to live with them because sheltering away only brings heartache, loneliness, and sadness. The world is our playground; play well together.

Love. The word never made much sense before. It conjured up feelings of grief, remorse, fear, and not being good enough sprinkled with some excitement and longing. It has driven me crazy trying to obtain this idea of love. What I learned was that love already exists inside of me and the greatest way to gain love is to give the love that I already have. Giving feels much better than receiving.

The cold air slithers into every crease and crevice. Working its way into my body, permeating every cell. Freezing out the parts that are ready to cease to exist in me.

Reflecting on what was and what is. Letting go of the frozen and sheltering what stays. Knowing that in the spring time, I will blossom again. Breathing life into my work. A smile so warm that will unfreeze the frozen. Love allowing it to grow.

In the Spring, I will blossom anew. Fresh and ready to grow like I have never grown before or will again. For now, it is my time to reflect. Working in the shadowy places deep within. Freezing the unwanted out with the coldness Mother Nature provides.

Walk with Me Mommy

In a world of fast paced EVERYTHING…from internet speeds and news stories to social media businesses, all I seem to want to do is slow down. Unplug from the pace, not so much the world, but just the speed at which everything is being done.

I want to have a conversation with someone without seeing a cellphone in their hands. I want to see news stories posted to social media that were not done in such a hurried frenzy that it is filled with more spelling and grammatical errors than a second graders letter to Santa. I want to see friends in real life as opposed to some selfie that is just begging for attention in the form of likes or positive comments.

No, I don’t want to follow you on Instagram, Twitter, or Pinterest. I would rather hang out with you. Talk on the phone about how your week has been, how the family is doing, and the new Adele song and how it makes you miss someone you didn’t even know you were missing.

Don’t get me wrong, I like seeing pictures of you and what you are doing on Facebook. Those times where I cannot be in your world. Those times where life calls us in different directions. When it is hard to stay in touch. But, if we both have 15 minutes to browse on Facebook then that could be 15 minutes of FaceTime or a phone call. Real connection.

Is it too much to ask that when we are in the presence of others that we slow down. Put the phone down and enjoy those around us.

One day we will look up from our phones only to realize that those around us have passed away. They never got to get close to us. Close enough to hear our thoughts, opinions, and feelings. To see them expressed by our bodies. Instead, they only saw them on a Facebook post, reading about you from afar when you were only 5 feet away.

Slow down. As if life didn’t pass by fast enough already. Ask any parent and they will tell you. In the blink of an eye your babies are teenagers and teenagers to grown 30 year olds with a life of their own. It happens so fast. Life does. One minute it is here and the next it is gone.

But why is everything moving at such a fast paced? Are we trying to get in as much information as we can before we die? Are we wishing that we could just be everywhere at once so that we know absolutely everything that is going on in the world?

Are we scared of the silence? The moments of stillness that life provides. That pause. In those moments, I myself feel uncomfortable. What do I do with it? Do I feel that moment with busy work or chores that need to get done? Or should I let that moment come full force. A time when my real emotions and feelings break through and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am human. With all of my human qualities of emotions, strength, frailty, and feelings…..for a brief pause, I am allowed to feel. So why does this pause to feel bother me so much?

Because I have forgotten. I have been so tangled up with the fast paced world that time to reflect feels like the enemy. Forcing me to know thyself. What if I don’t like what I feel? What if I don’t like who I see? Easy, I can hide behind my Facebook facade.

It is much like yours, I am sure. You see happy faces and funny moments. You won’t find my true fears or pictures of the tears that I have cried. I paint you a picture of my fun adventurous life. I don’t show you the daily changing of dirty diapers, days of sickness or frustration, dishes that need to be done, kids that won’t take a nap, or every time I have work to do. You are privy to the image of a life that I paint for you. Elements of truth, but false in totality.

I don’t show you the eye rolls that I give my husband behind his back the minute I see him grab his phone to play Clash of Clans. I don’t show you my frustration when my children would rather watch television than play outside. You don’t know how pissed off I get each time I see people eating out with friends only to see them both on their phones.

I won’t post my thoughts about how careless we are being with this beautiful gift of life. I know that voicing my opinion will at best get a few likes in agreements, but nothing will change. The only thing I can do is slow down. Show you when you are ready what it is like to get my undivided attention. Lead by example. Help you in the times when emotions arise and you need a shoulder to cry on. Let you feel the difference between human touch versus a computer screen filled with compassionate words from people you barely know.

That is all I can do. Show you what it means to be human. The gift of companionship, friendship, and love. Show you the power of being present in each moment, especially when we have the honor to be in the presence of others. I want to get to know you and give you me.