Permission to be Broken

Yesterday at my youngest son’s 18 month checkup, I heard something that I never thought I would hear….ever.

Here I was worried about him getting shots, I never considered that he could be having other problems.

While doing his checkup, the Nurse Practitioner heard a heart murmur. She called the doctor in and she confirmed that there was indeed a heart murmur.

So, now he has an appointment at a children’s hospital to be seen by a pediatric cardiologist and to say that I am nervous would be an understatement.

I am trying to remain positive. Listening to medical professionals tell me that it is common in children, trying to focus on the good, and not get too worked up because no tests have been done.

But, making statements like “He is okay and will be okay”, that “He will get through it” and all seems scary for me to say. Almost like I am wrong for trying to spread this much positivity and hope. Like I am not taking it serious enough or something. I am not sure, but I don’t feel right about doing it.

Then comes the other part. I wanted to take pictures of this journey of Bowie’s and our family, capturing these moments much like the photo therapy for families of cancer patients. I felt like it would be a good idea, but then doubt crept in.

“Who am I to take something potentially so small and turn it into something so BIG?” There are families struggling with more serious problems than our current situation and here I go turning the attention to our dilemma.

Why do I feel the need to argue with myself, especially during a time like this. Maybe it is okay for me to be upset about this. Maybe it is okay for me to make a big deal and take some pictures for crying out loud. And just maybe….it’s okay for me to be scared and not able to fully say that shit is going to be alright….because, right now it doesn’t feel alright just yet.

So, here is a Bowie moment…him so excited that he got the ball in the box:

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A New Writing Adventure

I have noticed how hard it is for me to just write.

To write about anything and everything, but with no real teaching purpose in site. With no attention to who will read it and what they will think.

To write as if I were journaling. Not that I believe my life is that interesting or anything, but to just allow myself that freedom. No censorship. No end goal. To just write for the sake of writing…..or maybe I should say typing.

Over the years, I have seen a few things that remain consistent in my life. Writing/journaling is a must. From little notes and check lists all the way up to planning major things step by step and jotting down my thoughts and feelings of the day.

Well, here I am, ready to step into this new adventure in writing just for my growth and development. Learning how to be in tough with myself for that very reason…..and learning how to be okay with that.

I need that connection with myself. That ability to just be.

I have tried to maintain this level of importance throughout my entire life. Some roles demand it, while I am beginning to see that it is not necessary in everything that I do. Yes, as a teacher I need to know my shit and teach it. Yes, as a mother and wife, I need to be on top of my game.

But when it comes to me and my “me-time”, I need to learn to just be.

I have all of these hopes, dreams, and goals and here lately I have been exploring them….only to realize that I keep failing at many of them because they are not who I am. Some of them are not even really my goals, they were things that I believed I should be doing or things that just “made sense”.

Slowly reevaluating everything you ever thought you were is hard and takes time. It is painful for me at times. Coming to terms with certain things about myself that I have desperately tried to change. Accepting the things that I had learned to hate.

For example, I am not the girly girl that oozes soft and sweetness with every breath and body movement. I have tried, but it doesn’t match my looks, my actions, or anything else about my energetic movement through life. In fact, I come across as bitchy to many people. A smart ass. A know-it-all.

But, I have also been called incredibly intelligent, a fast thinker, a problem-solver, a healer, a leader, and even a psychic but that was for a whole other reason.

I am not one to hide in the shadows especially on topics that are of extreme importance to me. I have been known to very loudly voice my opinion and stand against the status quo. I hate bullies, but have been known to be one myself…..I do enjoy bullying a bully and I do not apologize for that.

I like to make people think and preferably think outside the box. I like helping people grow and learn. I love to surround myself with positive people that want to make a difference in the world even if it is just in one person’s life. I am quick to dismiss people that offer zero value to the lives around them. Those are not the people that I want in my circle and close to me.

I have been a hypocrite and to this day regret every single time I fulfilled that role. The important thing is that I don’t give up. I don’t give up on myself and trying to achieve more. I want to be a better person, but I can’t keep trying to be a better version of someone that I am not in the first place.

So here is to me, allowing me to introduce myself and get acquainted with who I really am, and growing with her.