Permission to be Broken

Yesterday at my youngest son’s 18 month checkup, I heard something that I never thought I would hear….ever.

Here I was worried about him getting shots, I never considered that he could be having other problems.

While doing his checkup, the Nurse Practitioner heard a heart murmur. She called the doctor in and she confirmed that there was indeed a heart murmur.

So, now he has an appointment at a children’s hospital to be seen by a pediatric cardiologist and to say that I am nervous would be an understatement.

I am trying to remain positive. Listening to medical professionals tell me that it is common in children, trying to focus on the good, and not get too worked up because no tests have been done.

But, making statements like “He is okay and will be okay”, that “He will get through it” and all seems scary for me to say. Almost like I am wrong for trying to spread this much positivity and hope. Like I am not taking it serious enough or something. I am not sure, but I don’t feel right about doing it.

Then comes the other part. I wanted to take pictures of this journey of Bowie’s and our family, capturing these moments much like the photo therapy for families of cancer patients. I felt like it would be a good idea, but then doubt crept in.

“Who am I to take something potentially so small and turn it into something so BIG?” There are families struggling with more serious problems than our current situation and here I go turning the attention to our dilemma.

Why do I feel the need to argue with myself, especially during a time like this. Maybe it is okay for me to be upset about this. Maybe it is okay for me to make a big deal and take some pictures for crying out loud. And just maybe….it’s okay for me to be scared and not able to fully say that shit is going to be alright….because, right now it doesn’t feel alright just yet.

So, here is a Bowie moment…him so excited that he got the ball in the box:

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